Random Things I Learnt in Life (Part I)
I got another fan/hate email.
*gloom*.... they wonder if i'm a sick vulgar bitch.
How can strangers (
or maybe it's one of my friends... *gasp*) say such hurtful demeaning things to me.... ....
I hate to receive this kind of mails... becuz that means that I have to correct them and tell them to go read Xiaxue's blog and know that SHE is the sick vulgar bitch, NOT ME!!!! so dun put me in the same category as her lor...
*more gloom*
*dark clouds gather around my head*.... ... ... becuz i'm not a sick vulgar bitch. i'm just a girl who likes to dig her nose & put her 'pi3 sai4' (
nose dirt) into her bf's nose and fart smelly gas out from her asshole for the surrounding ppl to enjoy (
good things must share).
*UNLEASH THE SILENT KILLERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*
So i'm actually many levels higher than a normal sick vulgar bitch. From this, I learnt that ppl always underestimate my abilities.
But in order to keep my promise of blogging about more serious stuff due to me turning 30, I shall now take you on a little excursion on my childhood / growing up days to show you what I have learnt...
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During my Toddler to Child years, I'm
quite extremely sure (
chop & guarantee) that me & Alvin learnt the word - FARK - from daddy becuz he's always cursing at WOMEN drivers on the road... but sometimes, it turns out to be a guy which then makes daddy curse even more becuz that guy drove like a girl.
I really wonder if women drivers are really really THAT bad?!?! I can drive too, you know. SO DOES THAT MEAN I'M DAMN BAD AT DRIVING?!?! I think the world is just prejudice lor. I have the statistics to PROVE that MEN are worse than women.
My bf kenna 'bang backside' 4 times........ and 3 of times were banged by are men & 1 by female.
err... is it me or somehow that doesn't sound right??... So you see?!?!?!?! Men are lousy drivers, not women! On top of that, my bf ALWAYS 'mount kerb' with the rear left tyre....... and i have only made that mistake like maybe.... 2 times in my whole entire driving history. Then my bf likes to say that men get into accidents becuz of women drivers.......... *speechless*.... if men are good drivers in the 1st place, they wouldn't be the ones getting into accidents.
Men are angry impatient creatures... that's why they have this complusion to drive fast & recklessly whenever a car in moving slowly in front of them... and THAT's what make them careless & get into accidents... it has absolutely NOTHING to do with women drivers... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
AGREE?!??!?!
*sees a lot of hands raising up enthusiatically*... ... ... AGREE!!!... ... ...
*realizes that all raised hands belong to women*....
(O_O) .............. wad da hell... ... any male supporters?
*sees all the guys suddenly turn away their heads to avoid my eye contact... some look up into the sky... some check their fingernails... some pretend to fall asleep*
shit man.
feels like old ppl / pregnant women trying to get a seat in the mrt sia.............
watever...
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Por Por let me have a puff of cigarette when I was in mid-Primary school. I rmbr her sitting on the bed with Ah Gong. I walked into the room & she smiled & asked me if I wanted to try it...
of course i did.
I was born curious.
p.s: learnt to smoke from por por... ....
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Ah Gong passed away when I was Primary 6.
I was never closed to him becuz he's such a quiet man.
During his funeral on the 1st day, I saw Ah Gong lying on a wooden bed. I dunno why, but I cried. It's such a sad event. Mummy cried till her eyes looked like a goldfish in shock.
I saw Por Por sitting at a table. She was not smiling. And I cried again. I guess I was born imaginative too. I imagined what she was feeling since Ah Gong is now gone... and she still has a good 20-40 years ahead. Alone. Forever.
ok maybe not really forever becuz she has tons of children + grandchildren...I felt guilty for not making the effort to talk to Ah Gong. I felt bad for not telling him that even though we never talked to each other, he is still my Ah Gong....... and I probably loved him becuz I cried when I knew that he would be sleeping forever.
Ah Gong will never come back.
The rest of the funeral days, me & Alvin + 2 boy cousins were having fun. (
wat the fark, i know, but we're KIDS...... cut us some slack... children were born happy).
The 2 boy cousins stole their father's cigarettes and we smoked like chimneys (
goddamn we were only 12) and were making lots of noise in the middle of the night. The police came to tell us to quiet down. We (
the 4 brats) were seriously peeved. We tried to figure out which one of the idiot neighbours was the one who complained, but failed in our quest as it might be more than 1 idiot. Therefore, we decided to pee on toilet rolls and throw it into every window that we could reach.
ok maybe that didn't happen & it was all in my imagination...On the last day of the funeral, they were going to take Ah Gong's body away.
We were supposed to walk behind that van tat carried his body. But I suddenly got a high fever just before we left the house. Mummy touched my forehead & told me to stay behind.
After 15 mins, I was well again.
Was it even fever????????????
Then I felt guilty of not 'sending' Ah Gong 'off' on his journey.
Is it Ah Gong dun want me to go???????
I wondered if there was a hell and what would it be like. I went to Haw Par Villa before and saw the 18 levels of hell. That was traumatising!
Is Ah Gong there???? Ah Gong, are you there??? or are you living in another part of hell???
Then I dreamt of Ah Gong in a really crowded old theatre like those in the 50s or 60s. He was smiling & waving to me... it's like he's telling me that he's ok.
I called out to him, "AH GONG AH GONG!!!!'... and ran towards him.... but too many ppl. All these stupid ass ppl are blocking my way... I wanted to reach Ah Gong so that I can ask if he is ok!!!! FARK ALL THESE STUPID SHITHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I looked around............ He disappeared!!!
Then i woke up feeling frustrated & started to analyse my dream. Ah Gong was smiling & waving, so he must be ok.
From this day, I told myself that I would never ever take anyone for granted. I will always make it a point to appreciate the good things that ppl do for me & never put emphasis on the bad stuff.
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Before I advanced to
sex sec sch (
dunno why i retyped 'sex' 4 times before getting the spelling right), the Lau family moved out of Tanjong Pagar to Macpherson Road. Just a few bus-stops away, I entered into the sec sch in Sims Drive. And I learnt my 1st Hokkien vocabulary...
na bey chee by (
damn useful when you're frustrated x 10000000).
Slowly, also learnt a little bit of Hokkien (
mostly vulgar words) from my classmates, especially John
Now, I totally support vulgar words... it should be taught in school.
If you dun believe me, then you try it yourself.
When you're frustrated or pissed off at someone, you just scold a string of vulgarities & you'll actually feel much better... .... like... ... ... 50% better.
THAT'S A LOT OF RELIEF!!!
... better than Anger Management...
p.s - vulgar magic will only work if the 'qi' (air) comes out from your 'tan1 tian2' (special part in the abdominal which singers use to project their singing voices)........
I think Sims Drive got more Hokkien bengs than Tanjong Pagar, whereas TP got more cats having sex (
serious! 1 out of 10 times you roam around TP, you'll see 2 cats enjoying themselves... how often do you actually see animal sex when you step out of the house?!?!).
Every time we walk out of school, sure got ppl cursing in Hokkien underneath the void decks. Then got fights & arguments going on. There was once where i heard that some students have this really funny way of 'settling' their anger. They went into the lift and traveled to the top floor, then they pressed door close and pressed '1' to travel back down. On their way down, they would fight in the lift until the door opened again. Then they become good friends again. SIBEY BO LIAO LOR.................................... it's like *punch* *scratch* *pull hair* *slap*, then when lift door opens, *hug* *kiss* *cry* *make up*.
OMG.
I rmbred I laughed when I heard about that.
Truely ingenious.
On a more serious note, this (
strangely) made me to have so much respect for ppl like that. So I learnt to vent off my anger on the spot, but after the incident is over, I dun hold a grudge for anyone. And I'm only pissed off that the unfortunate incident happened & not towards the person. I learn my life lessons in strange & mysterious ways.
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There was a sec sch gathering at Pasir Ris Chalet.
The guys were in NTUC buying groceries.
The girls walked there to meet them & help them carry the bags.
Along the way, we spotted droplets of blood and made crude jokes about some girl having mensus and dripping everywhere on the sidewalk.
Then Yueyun pointed at a pool of blood....
WAH! MENSUS CAN BLEED SO MUCH MEH?!?!?!?!
Well, maybe someone slaughtered a live chicken? dog? cat?
A few steps later....
"EH WAT IS THIS???"... Yueyun points to the ground.
We see a rubber looking thing on the floor.
Upon closer inspection, IT'S A FINGER!!!!
We ran to NTUC to get the guys & yelled, "WE FOUND A FINGER!!!".
The guys didn't believe us & thot that we were playing tricks on them.
Only John.
He so 'ba1 gua4' (
busybody) that he excitedly came with us to see the finger. He took one look at the rubber thing & just picked it up without hesitation.
"WHAT THE FARK!!! DON'T TOUCH THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"aiyaaaa... it's not a finger. it's a rubber. you dun believe you touch lah!"
no farking way am i touching it.
We brought the finger to NTUC (
actually it was John who held on to it).
Each time he squeezed the finger, water came out.
He was so sure it wasn't a finger becuz got no blood.
dumbass.
We reached the NTUC and found the guys in the queue.
John confidently walked to them and told them to touch the finger.
Nobody did.
"eh... siao4 eh... i think it's really a finger..."
"ta1 ma1 de... .... got nail shape one leh... finger lai2 ah!!!"
"i told him it's a finger he dun believe!!!'
John rebutted by placing the 'rubber thing' & his own finger side by side, "na2 li3 shi4 finger? ni3 kan4 zhe4 ke4 finger gen1 wo3 de finger dou1 bu4 yi1 yang4!"... (
translated: this one where got finger? you see this finger & my finger also dun look alike!)
Ziwei finally buay tahan John and shouted at him, "ler4 siao4 ah ler4!!! ni3 de finger shi4 huo2 de, ta1 de finger shi4 si3 de mah!!! tang1 ran2 bu4 yi1 yang4!!!"... (
translated: you siao ah you!!! your finger is alive, that finger is dead one mah!!! of course not the same!!!)
John finally freaked out and threw the finger on the NTUC floor and kicked it away.
It rolled underneath the ice-cream machine.
(O_O)
swee.
never in a million years would i have expected tat.
Bet a million dollars with me & i would never have guessed that John would kick the finger.
I would think that there might even be a possibility that he might suck on it, but never in a million years would i have guessed that he would KICK it under an ice-cream machine.
Totally unexpected.
On our way back to the chalet room, everybody was talking about the finger. Then we saw some ppl holding a small bag of ice and a torchlight... looking for something.
2 of our male classmates walked over and asked calmly, "ni3 men2 shi4 bu4 shi4 zai4 zao3 finger?" (
translated: are you looking for finger?)... ... ...
We led the ppl to NTUC to retrieve the finger. And pointed underneath the ice-cream machine. They looked puzzled.............. must be wondering how the hell the finger ended up there.
Learnt that due to John's implusive nature & the lack of the eye for details, he will now have a traumatic childhood.
p.s - he felt so guilty & worried that he might have damaged the nerves in the finger & it could not be reattached to the rest of the body...Also, i learnt that humans are able to react in strange ways... (
ie: to pick up a stray finger, then throw it on the floor & kick it underneath an ice-cream machine)... ... this incident actually made me even more curious on how ppl would react in certain situations. The human mind is so complex. If I were smarter (
or more hardworking), I would have also pursued Psychology like my sister. And probably take up a job that works with psychotic ppl / rapists / incestous bastards / sadists...... then write a book on it. Or the different kinds of pain that a human can feel between putting salt on wounds or tearing skin off its flesh.
My bf told me that in the past, live humans were buried in the sands with their heads sticking out of the ground. Then the torturer would cut open their skull & pour mercury on their brains. He told me that the pain would be so farking unbearable that the human would jump out of the sands.... .... ... leaving their skin behind.
HOW SICK IS THAT???? but can it be true? I have spent many nights pondering about this & trying to imagine if i were the one buried in the sands... could it be possible to jump out of your skin??????
WHO WANTS TO VOLUNTEER AS TEST SUBJECT???????????????????????...
*corner of my eye, sees my bf running far far away from me*
.... chey... buay steady one....
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People will sometimes realize that my stories have various versions.
It is not that I'm a hopeless liar.
It's just that sometimes, ppl tell me to keep some things a secret.
So when I tell a story, I sometimes say that the situation happened on me... ... ... and then after some time, when I tell the same story, I say that it happened on another person. Then when the same group of ppl hear my 2 different versions, they think that what I'm saying is a lie. But it is not. The situation did happen. But the person in the story keep changing, so that I can protect the actual person's identity. It's due to my forgetfulness that I cannot rmbr which person I used to tell my stories.
From this, I learnt that lies will never stay hidden forever. So I always stay truthful as much as I can (
unless I'm telling a story).
At times, perhaps I feel that I myself am hypocrital. Becuz your friend told you to keep a secret, but you went ahead to tell their story to another person. However, I tell the story is becuz the situation that happened can be a learning point for others. And if I kept the story to myself, then others will not have a chance to relate & learn from it.
Like example 1, if I tell a person not to smoke becuz it is harmful & will cause cancer. But example 2, I tell a person not to smoke becuz i have a friend who smoked and gotten cancer & in the end had to go thru chemotherapy & how he lost his hair & how he overcome the illness... blah blah blah....... YOU SEE?!??! Example 1 got no impact, right? Example 2 super got the power to impress & change ppl's thinking, right?!?!?!
So in order to create an impact for others to understand & learn from the situation better, I will have to tell the story, but change the name of the person involved.
Therefore, whenever I hear a story, I will listen more to the underlying meaning of the story & the learning experience I can gain from it... ... and not put emphasis or be kaypoh about WHO went thru the situation.
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Is this blog post serious enough for you??
I'm such a pleaser.
Actually it's quite interesting to recall how you learn from things in life....... or is it just me? oh well... i'll probably blog a Random Things I Learnt in Life Part II in the near future.
