Saturday, December 31, 2005

HAPPY NEW YEAR (eve) OF 2006 !!!!

May we be happier... and be a better person!

... well... I am a person who is considered to do things without regrets. And I will always do things which I know that I will not feel guilty in the future. If somebody accuses me of doing something evil or betrays me, I'll get angry and I'll have some sudden anger outburst. But if this person starts talking to me... ... I'll still be friendly. It's really no point getting mad/furious/pissed off at anyone. So wat if you're angry? What good can it do? Being happy is definately much better than having so much hate and anger inside you.

Therefore, over the years... I dare to say that my temper has mellowed A LOT. And I see things differently now. So what if my bf is friendly to girls? So what if my best friends don't have time for me when I'm feeling lonely and depressed? So what if my boss is super rude? Just tolerate it and continue with my life... the world doesn't stop for me... and neither will I stop for the world.

I guess we all grow up some day... and even for a person like me who will never look back on things and regret.... ... ... well... REGRETFULLY, I do have some regrets. So now I treat everybody like they are going to leave me tomorrow... only then, will you treasure what you have in front of you.

For the past 26 years of my life... the ONLY ONE... BIG... regret is... ... what I have for a very special person.

I got to know him 6 years ago. But I was young and immature and childish... and now, I lost him. At times, I think back to the past... I wonder why I was such an insecure person. And becuz of my insecurities, I tend to push people by being a bitch... and being violent emotionally and physically... (O_O) ... Looking back, I thank the Holy Mother of All Nature that I was given a chance to be a better person. After all these years, I tried to let go of all that angry emotions... and now, I tend to laugh more and I even feel happier.

... but it's been 6 years... I just cannot let him go. I always think to myself that... as time goes by, I will be able to get over feeling guilty... I thought that I will be able to just forget. But I just can't... and I don't know why. Even while typing this blog... it makes my heart feel tight... and it kind of feels funny... feels like it hurts. Ohhhhh but come on... everybody (even my parents) knows that I'm a person who cannot stay in one place (or with one person) for long. And I'm actually quite steady one, ok? I pride myself of getting over things really quickly and I never look back.

... but why can't I just get over him? Why after SIX years, I still think of him. Why after SIX years, I still talk about him to Melson & John. Why after SIX years, I still miss him. Why after SIX years, I still regret my actions. Why the HELL did I break up with him SIX years ago?!?! I broke up with him and I was doing my own stuff and going out with other people... and suddenly, one year after our breakup, I suddenly miss him until NOW???


... this thing that I'm feeling is definately NOT normal to me. I am a female Cassanova. I am a Playgirl. I'm a tomboy with attitude. It is not right for me to feel this way for anybody.

... *sigh*... I always wanted to write him... or contact him... or something. But he's not in Singapore... and it's not like I can knock on his door anytime. These past years, I always will write him a letter... but I never got to post them out. Maybe becuz I lost his address (and no matter how many times I spring clean my room & always keeping an eye out for that lost address, I cannot find it)... or maybe I didn't have the courage becuz I was afraid that he will never forgive me & he will not reply.

But today, I wrote him a letter. And this time... I will post it out. I know... I know... I don't have his address. But you know what? The funny thing is i THINK i can still remember it... after SIX years. The only problem is... I'm afraid that I remembered the wrong/incomplete address (opps)... ... or that he has moved to another place (nooooooo!!!).

But for now, I will tell myself that... at least I tried. Hey.. better late than never, right??? *sob*... oh god... I have to wait SIX years to grow up and decide to contact him?? Isn't it TOO LATE?!?!?!

But don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm desperate to be in a relationship with him again... I mean... i DO want him back in my life... but as a friend again. After we broke up, I not only lost a bf... but I lost a very very dear friend.

I want to know how he's doing... I want to know everything about him. I want to ask him a million questions like... Are you married? How's your work? How is your sister? And mother? And father? Did you get a new car... I know you like to have a jeep and you were planning to get one before. Are you fatter or thinner? Did you grow out your hair... cuz you had really really short crew-cut hair before.

I want to tell him that he is really a very very dear friend and I want to get to know him again. I want to tell him thank you for teaching me to appreciate all the little things that people do for me. I want to tell him that he taught me to not to take people for granted. I want him to know how much I missed him.

I want to tell him that the only thing I regret in my life is letting him out of my life. I want to tell him that I am a better person. And that I know I have hurt my family & friends in the past, but the only difference is that I was given a chance to make things right with them.... ... but becuz of distance & time, I did not get a chance to make things right with him. I want to ask him to forgive me & that I'm a coward for taking 6 years before I start to make things right with him.

I want to tell him, "I am sorry."


Please pray with me... that he gets my letter. Please let him reply. I promise to be a good person. I promise to be a better friend.

For this new year, please let me have this one chance to do things differently.