Monday, July 03, 2006

... ... ...

Sometimes, I just feel that I am really...

(read this post to understand why I can never get it)

It's like... even though others just take advantage and are constantly being mean, I just continue to be nice.

I blame it on my soft-hearted'ness.

Sometimes, I tell myself...
"Just STOP it, you stupid bitch. Can't you see that nobody cares? Stop being soft-hearted... just let them die! Don't help! Don't keep trying to make things better! They don't care! Can't you just get it?!"

Shouldn't there be a time when I will finally get it and just ignore them?

And when they ask for help, I'll just ask them to go screw themselves... cuz I know that they will just take me for granted again.

And I shd stop talking to meanies... cuz I know they cannot be bothered cuz they're just too self-absorbed with themselves.

It's like... I can just die on the streets and people will not even realize that I'm gone. Then one day, when they read the morning papers and realized that I'm dead, they will shrug and continue to eat their breakfast.


... ... anywayz... ...

Ignore what I have just said.

These past few days, I am delusional. And full of self-pity.

Last few days, I had a sad sad dream. I dreamt that I was having breakfast with mummy. And I was chatting with her... and telling her about what's going on at work... and abt my friends.

I even told her,
"Mummy, I know you and daddy are home all day. So I have subscribed to this online DVD rental thingy... so you guys can watch DVDs when you're bored."

However, throughout our conversation, she looked uninterested... with downturned lips... and was flipping the newspaper... not even giving eye contact.

Then after a while, I got pissed. I mean, if you don't have interest in what has happened in my life, at least have the basic courtesy to acknowledge what I'm saying... or at least, just LISTEN. Don't be rude mahh... correct or not.

But then, the girl-who-doesn't-get-it started to emerge from my body. I refused to give up. And I just kept trying to talk to her... and trying to build a bond between us... bring us closer to each other. But she didn't even bother to say, "hm" or "uh huh". And again, I tried and tried. I asked her about her stuff, and again, she just gave a cannot-be-bothered one word reply.

Soon, I woke up from the dream, I actually pondered over it for a while. I was so engrossed in the dream that I believed that it had really happened.

I thought to myself,
"How can someone who is blood-related to you... can be so cold & unfeeling? Whereas a stranger whom you meet in school or at work, can take interest in your life... comfort you when you're down & lend a patient listening ear when you need somebody to talk to."

And the more I thought about it, the more pissed I got.

Then suddenly, I was like... "eh? I think I was dreaming".

I blame all of these on PMS.