Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Scary Me
2 sides

My gal pal told me a week ago that she read my blog and it was scary (no bonus points for guessing which blog posts are the accused).

This morning, I was chatting with my guy friend on MSN. He was telling me a sob story. I told him what I thought about the whole situation. He called me Meanie Jeanie. And then he proceeded to ask me for advice. So I adviced. He said my words are harsh, but true and extremely frightening, so he called me Scary Jeanie. I asked him why Scary? It puzzled me.

Thus he proceeded to say,

"everything about you has some kind of connection to mutilation, torture or death"


I rest my case.

Honestly, I have no idea why he said that.

I'm the happiest person alive. Or rather, I'm the most light-hearted person alive. Or maybe the person who laughs the most in the world (hmmm... I wonder if The Guiness Book of Records has something that I can enter into).


Granted that I love movies like Hostel, Saw I II & III, Texas Chainsaw, etc etc. And help me, God... ... but I only read books by Richard Laymon (if you've never heard of him, then I insist you're a dimwit... hahaha... just kidding!).

My love for gory movies & stories & Eminem is just an interest. Besides, it's entertaining. But that doesn't mean that I want to tear flesh apart with my bare teeth nor rub myself all over with warm thick gooey blood.

I joke a lot about death and torture. But then again, I joke a lot about everything.

In short, I have absolutely nothing to hide.

I am gross. Yes.

I get an adrenaline rush when I see meat tearing and blood squirting. Yes.

But I am a good person. No. Scratch that. I am the BEST person you can ever meet.

Then again, there are many perspectives to the word - BEST.

What I feel is the BEST, might be the opposite for you.

In addition to my so-called gruesome nature, I talk like an arrow heading for the Bull's Eye - straightforward and right on target. My words may hit you right in the heart, but understand that it's becuz I care (plus I don't like to waste time twisting my words around and garnishing it with sugar & spice, thus making it sound mean & scary).

Just understand that my world only has 2 sides.

It's either I like you or I dislike you. There is nothing in between.

If I dislike you, I will just press IGNORE.

Therefore, if I actually take the time to dish out some harsh words to you (even when you're already hurting), it just means I care. And I like you, therefore, I care.

hahahaha... yeah... that's pretty farked up.

If I dislike you, I don't give a shit and I leave you in a corner to die in the blistering cold.

If I like you, my comforting words of support are like arrows in your heart that make your tears roll down from the corner of your eyes.

This reminds me of a time, I once said to a very good friend (actually he posted a comment in one of my post which I am going to be lazy and use the copy & paste function),

"Time waits for no man + So many things left undone + life is unfair, so kill yourself or get over it. If you're weak, and you cannot deal with it, then kill yourself. But if you know you're going to get over it, then why not sooner rather than later."

And right after I told him that, he paused for a really long time. Then he told me that I was damn bloody harsh. But it did jolt him back to reality. And he did get better very soon. And I have claimed full credit for it.

But looking back, he COULD have killed himself right after I said that to him. I was harsh (and perhaps, mean) and inconsiderate of a person's vulnerable feelings. And it was indeed a scary thought. I am downright scary. And sometimes, I scare myself too.

Gni sounds like a vile, vicious, cold-blooded, hard-hearted uncaring bitch. But you forget one thing. When I am vulnerable and depressed, I tell myself the same thing in that same harsh tone. Yes. I tell myself that there are only 2 ways to handle a problem
- just kill myself or get over it.

I guess with me, there are also only 2 sides.

It's either you love me or you hate me.

I would love you to love me, becuz I always love to be loved (and worshipped).

But if you cannot take this caring yet straightforward side of me, then I will just sigh and let you go. Becuz I do not expect anyone to change for me. And neither will I change for anyone (unless there are 10 good reasons for doing so).

For those of you who has stayed by my side for so damn long and actually appreciate the time and effort I have sacrificed & put in... ... ... I just want to get sappy and say (you better brace yourself, cuz you know I hardly ever get soft and cuddly)...


:-D !!!!