LEARNING TO SAY GOODBYE

Yes... I am very disappointed... full of remorse & guilt.

He didn't call... nor write... nor try to EVEN tell me to leave him alone. No angry email... no hate snail mail... no fark-off sms... .. ...

Sad.

Did he even get my I-am-goddamn-sorry letter? (refer to blog post December 2005 - Happy New Year (eve) of 2006).

Yes... it has been... FIVE months. I have waited FIVE months!!!! I wrote him that letter in December... goddamnit...

Today at work and during lunch, me & my colleagues were talking about stuff. And somehow, we talked about the past... and I wondered to myself, "how in the world can I treat such a nice person in such a horrid way?!" ... ...

I guess sometimes, we just do stupid things. So, my friends, I'm telling you this from the bottom of my heart... do treasure the moment... the people... the life. And I've done some darn silly things... but I never regretted. Yet, now I've learnt to treat each person like they are never going to be around tomorrow (hmmm.. somehow that doesn't sound right... shit I'm born evil... I'm going to hell).

ONE BIG MISTAKE.

And it plagues me for life.

Does this mean I love him? I really dunno. I mean... what is love anywayz? I keep asking people, but nobody has a proper answer for me. So it's... retarded that at 27yrs old, I still dunno what does love feels like. By the way, am I really THAT OLD already?! I still feel like I'm only 18.

So why is he still tormenting me after... SIX years???

Gni's inner conscience says: That's becuz you feel freakin guilty...

OKAY... IT'S MY FAULT!!! I WAS YOUNG!!! IS THAT A CRIME?!

I can just kill myself right now from this intense guilt. Seriously.

But I have grown... and I have changed. I mean, I should have changed for the better, right?? Or else why am I feeling this way.

So... ... ... is it time to say goodbye to Jerry?

I really don't want to.

I really can't.

But.. it has been six years since I last saw him.

I remember... ...

Throughout these six years, I have occasional dreams about me going to the US to look for him. To say I'm sorry. To be his friend again. But somehow, I always get lost in the airport.. and I can't find my way around.

I remember... ...

... ... ... On that last day... ... ... I didn't even kiss him goodbye.